For guys, Viagra offers peace of mind. But what do women get out of it?

THE OTHER day, I had a bit of a tantrum about Viagra. Somebody, somewhere, was sending me ads for the stuff several times a day. It probably wasn't even real Viagra, but some cheap copy. Who, I thought, would make cheap copies of Viagra and send me emails in broken English to advertise it?

'She will call you a maniac if you take half a pill,' said one of these emails. 'Say STOP to rod weakness,' said another.

I've been getting them for a while now, and it's beginning to make me uneasy. Who are these people, anyway? Are they Russian? And why are they picking on me?

I told myself to relax. Calm down, I thought, as I deleted the pesky ads. Viagra - or the drug it's based on, sildenafil - is a jolly good thing.

Haven't these little blue pills improved the life of every man on the planet? If you need them - well, Bob's your uncle. And Bob most certainly wasn't your uncle before the late Nineties. Then again, if you don't need them - well, there they are, awaiting their moment. Of course, that moment might never come. But it might!

And it's such a horrible thought. Devastating. The idea of one's entire masculinity collapsing, the whole house of cards, like one of the Twin Towers. And not just at some random time - but the exact wrong moment!

It must be like going on stage and finding you've forgotten your lines. And then what would happen? Either the audience would walk out, or they would try to console you. Aargh! I don't know which would be worse.

So Viagra is good news, then. Well, isn't it? Now every man alive can go about his business, having had an entire layer of anxiety removed. It's even better than having a smoke alarm fitted, or buying a car with airbags. For a guy, Viagra represents peace of mind.

Like anything that appeals to guys, it works in a mechanical way that's easy to understand. It knocks out an enzyme that blocks the flow of blood. What are you doing there, you stupid enzyme? Can't you see you're blocking the way? In a couple of minutes there's going to be a whole lot of blood coming along here - so scram!

Experiments have shown this drug can keep flowers fresh in a vase, and it also stops hamsters from getting jet lag. Anyway, it's great for guys. But can there be another side to the story? Apparently, 20 million men have had 'the Viagra conversation' with their doctors.

Let's say, conservatively, 10 million have got their hands on the drug. And let's say that each guy wants to have sex once a week.

This means that, every year, the world needs to meet a new male demand for sex to the tune of 520 million units. And who will meet that demand? The obvious answer is women.

But do the world's women want sex 520 million more times every year? I don't suppose they do. Five-hundred-and-twenty-million times? And remember: 520million is a conservative estimate. Bottom line: there must be a shortfall. There must be guys out there with new demands, who are not having those demands met.

Still, we live in a capitalist world, a world in which, as Adam Smith told us, demands are always met, because entrepreneurs will always see them as money-making opportunities.

And somebody did come up with a bright idea: why not give sildenafil to women? That way, surely, millions more pills would be sold, and lots more sex would be desired. The perfect solution?

It seems not. How many women have you heard of that take female versions of Viagra? Not 10million - I can pretty much guarantee you that.

That's because Viagra doesn't work in the same way for women as it does for men. Sure, it knocks out the same enzyme. Sure, it increases blood flow. It probably helps female hamsters with their jetlag, too.

But women are not like men - not when it comes to sex, anyway. For women, sex is not a mechanical business.

It's not just about getting the machinery working. It's about all those other things men tend to forget about - meaningful glances and feeling safe and proper conversation and hugging and listening.

You can fix male sexual dysfunction with a pill. But if you want to do the same thing for a woman, you normally need to come up with a relationship. And that's something you can't synthesise in a lab.

So maybe Viagra's not a good thing for women. And if it's not good for women, maybe, in the end, it's not good for any of us.

And how many hamsters have you seen at airports? Still, it's good for flowers, which is a start. In any case, I wish they'd stop sending me those emails.

Who knew?

Nearly 6.5 million Viagra tablets were issued in England in 2008, costing the NHS an estimated an £35 million

Rear End

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started.....

Two Chimps and a Blonde

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from the Gold Coast when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.
The man walked up to the car and asked, 'Are you going to the Gold Coast?"
'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'do you need a lift ?'
'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the Gold Coast Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me ? I'll give you $100 for your trouble.'
'I'd be happy to,' said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of the Gold Coast when suddenly he was horrified!!
There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
'What the heck are you doing here ?' he demanded, 'I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.'
'Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde,' but we had money left over --- so now we're going to SeaWorld.'

whist having swimming lessons at school

the teached got us to hold onto the side whilst kicking our legs and blowing bubbles under water.
Suddenly my mate Chris started crying.
"what's wrong" said the teacher.
Chris whispered into the teachers ear and then got out of the pool.
Off he waddled with a large 'spud' in his trunks!
Obviously he tried to forget this, so me being the person I am....I mentioned this in my speach as best man at his wedding.